Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
