I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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