i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
