I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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