HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
