In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It's shark week go big or go home
Such a big mess for such a small penis
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
