worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
