I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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