Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
