I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
