Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
