If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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