dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
