i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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