ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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