i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
