I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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