just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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