I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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