Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i think i have herpe
just one?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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