I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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