from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Say something about gay babies.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
