I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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