I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
