Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
