So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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