drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
