I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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