i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
