what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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