saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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