apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
