The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
