My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize
