I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
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