if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
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Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
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Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
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