Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
