Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
