My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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