Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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