he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I need to sanitize my soul.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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