I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
