I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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