No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
