The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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