At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
