I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
