My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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