he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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