I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
