Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
