There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Girls should come with a carfax report
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
