Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
