My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I lost the right to judge tonight
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
