So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
