I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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